I'm not going to even attempt to talk about everything that's happened since the last time I've posted.

Sunny Day Real Estate & the beginning of sophomore year in September. So far, Taste of Georgetown and the National Equality March in October.

I'm tired all the time now. I don't know why. I feel like I have so much work, but when I think about it there's really not that much. Yesterday was the PSAT. I either aced it or completely bombed, we'll see which one. This is my litmus test year anyway, so I can find out what I'm good at and not good at so next year I can do really well. School's taken a back seat now, which I really need to fix. I just do everything and turn it in, and I don't really try as much as I should. I don't study for tests. As of right now, 5:23 PM on Thursday, October 15, this is going to change. Plus I missed the Young Democrats meeting, fuck. I had to practice for my orchestra test. I hate school. I hate hate hate hate it. I keep telling myself that it's only three more years but somehow that seems like a lifetime. I'm going to go nuke dinner. More later.

I haven't written anything here in, what...two months? I feel an obligation even though no one's reading anymore. A lot's happened and I don't feel like catching up. I'll do it monthly so I don't have to type as much.

February - I fucked around in school for the most part. It's not like I failed or anything (quite the opposite - 6 A's third quarter, I think) but I just didn't try as hard as I did the first two quarters. Anyway, Hayden and I celebrated one year by going to a Tapes 'n Tapes show at Rock 'n Roll Hotel which was fantastic. I had a lot of fun, anyway.

March - Went by so fast I blinked and almost missed it. Having something non-fun related to do every weekend really blows. Meets, festival, etc. etc. I went to Disney World with orchestra for the spring trip. I had a shitload of fun because I'm a major dork. Celebrated my birthday with my family, quietly (what I wanted).

Yesterday I went to Georgetown for the first time since forever with Charlotte. We shopped all day and got Lush-ified by a supernice salesgirl with a septum piercing and a full sleeve on her right arm. My skin has never felt this amazing. I'm looking forward to this spring break mostly because I'm doing a beauty overhaul. Superficial things can make you feel ten times better on the inside...I'm a true believer. It's superficial and it's stupid but I love girly shit. Shopping is fun but always makes me feel obese. At least it did yesterday...nothing fit me and when it did I looked short. And fat. That's never a good combination. I'm looking forward to a fresh start in everything -- school, beauty, weight issues. Chhyeeah. It's going to be a good spring break.

I haven't blogged in a week, so what the hell.

This weekend was...in a word, amazing. Saturday was, of course, Valentine's Day. After I got home from practice I went straight to work on Hayden's cake. I made him a chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream frosting and the words "Happy <3 Day" on it. I thought it was brownie-esque but everyone else loved it, and that's what matters. I also gave him A Farewell to Arms. I got a rose and a serenade. It was amazing and beautiful. I've missed when our relationship felt this simple and it's finally back. I'm truly happy.

Sunday was a chill day. I didn't do anything except see Thoroughly Modern Millie that night. The production itself was great but the show was lacklaster/racist towards Asians. I had fun though.

Monday I went to Bethesda and hung out with Rosy, Tyler (Rosy's boyfriend), and Wheeler. It was way epic. I don't know how much to write because I don't know who reads this but Rosy almost died because of a hobo and Wheeler ordered a mocha, bitch. (By the way, it's Wheeler's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY WHEELER! This was by force.) I think I'm going back tomorrow and it should be loads of fun. Again.

I ate Turkish food tonight which was a first. What sucks is that I thought I'd be able to go to the Beyond the Call show and Wheeler's birthday thingy but apparently my father changed his mind at the absolute last minute. I really want to go to both, and in my mind it works. If I go to Wheeler's from 1-4 and then the show at 8:20...but I'm forced to choose one. I'd already promised Frank that I'd see them and Hayden/Jessica/Emilie are going to the show, so I picked the show. Then my mom says, "Plan on going to Bethesda, then." WHAT THE FUCK? Whatever. I'll get over it. I made Wheeler birthday cupcakes so he'll be getting those tomorrow.

This blog was so boring. I love everyone, goodnight.

Today has been normal...this entire week has been normal. I'm sleep deprived and feel like I never have time for anything, but other than that it's been fantastic. The meet went well, I guess, and I got bronze splits! I'm so excited to improve them so I can get it again, or even silver splits next meet. Seniors is next month and I'm very excited. Duet did not make finals (we got 13th) but for finishing the routine in a week it was fairly impressive. There's a lot we can improve on and (hopefully) by next month most of the kinks will have been worked out and it will look amazing. Team warm-up was an absolute disaster but the semis swim-through was actually okay. Nitza acted like it was better than it was...but I think that made us more confident for finals the next day. Overall it was a lot of fun and I can't wait for the next meet!

My grandma is still paranoid and demented. She just called. At 9:30. She goes to sleep at 8 usually. And even then, I don't think it's appropriate to call past 8 even if you are family. I'm not sure how much longer my mom can take this.

I'm watching Love Actually with my mom right now. I love that movie and it gets me everytime. I can't stand dieting but I've started again. I have to be a semi-acceptable weight by the spring trip (which is in 39 days). I hate hating how I look. It's much easier to feel pretty and thin.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow! I've gotten half of Hayden's present and I'm getting the other half tomorrow. I'm so excited! I can't wait. I just realized how short these paragraphs are. I'll stop writing now...there might be more to talk about tomorrow? Probably not, but one can hope.

FEBRUARY 8, 2009.

I'm staring out my window onto the horizon. The bright-light dotted pitch-black horizon line that lights up my imagination. The tiny, round dots of civilization 33,000 feet below me. I don't know what it is but the orange-white lights give me hope--hope for the future and hope for me.

Everyone around me is sleeping - probably dreaming of what was or what is the inevitable future. I can't wait for the future. I can't wait for tomorrow. I can't wait to start living. From now on I'm living for today. I've been saying "tomorrow" for too long and I believe it's time to start saying "today".

FEBRUARY 6, 2009.

At the moment I'm on flight 1351 en route to Dallas/Fort Worth, staring into the sun towards river-cut mountains. I'm reading Fitzgerald and listening to Lou Reed. You can call me pretentious but I prefer precocious. I feel tired and half-sick but otherwise happy. There's something about airplane trips that makes me excited for life. When I listen to music I look out the window and pretend I'm in the movies. But mostly I like walking in the airport and watching people. Not in a creepy way, but in an intrigued way, I suppose. I like to wonder where people are going and why. When I see people waiting in the concourse I wonder what they're going to do once they get to their destination. I hope it's for good, happy things and that they'll have fun. It's childish and naive but I love it.

The clouds look flat from this angle. The mountains look like swirly designs on brown paper. I'm not much of a poet but it's beautiful.

I can't believe it's February. February 6, 2009. 1:51PM. Mostly I'm just glad I'm not in gym, watching the minutes tick by and waiting for the bell to ring. The truth is I'm not sure. I'm not particularly sure of anything but the concretes. I know I want perfect grades. I know I want to be successful in synchro I know I want to go to Columbia in 3 1/2 years and I know I want friends. But other than those things, I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am. I can't decide. If you asked me to define myself in 3 words, I couldn't do it. I only know the negatives: loud, obnoxious, and pushy. I hate most of my personality traits but I can't bring myself to change them. I like having philosophical conversations with Hayden and other friends but at the same time I hate them because they make me feel stupid. I don't have anything else to write so I'll just say that "Black Dog" is an incredibly sexy song.

MGMT is trippy at 35,000 feet.

"She thinks my sentimental side should be held with kid's gloves. She doesn't know that I left my urge in the icebox."
"Leif Erikson", Interpol. I love how their lyrics make no sense, yet make all the sense in the world at the same time.

I woke up at 8:30 for some reason this morning. "The Graduate" was watched and a pastry was eaten. I went to Panera with Charlotte, Jessica, Hayden, and Rachel around lunchtime and we walked to Rachel's house and played Apples to Apples. I haven't played that shit in forever and I rediscovered the fact that I SUCK AT THAT GAME. It's still a lot of fun though.

Oh shit, "Last Nite" just came on my shuffle. I have the urge to dance but I might just tap my feet instead? I should be working on an English project. I thought it was due on Monday (aka tomorrow) and then I thought we had the 3 hour early release, which means it would be a purple day. Then I realized it was just a regular Monday and I was fucked. Oh well. I lost some weight yesterday but I don't know if I'll still be at the same weight tomorrow, because I ate a lot today. It makes me feel so confident when I lose weight, though. I still hope I can lose five pounds before Junior Zones. I have a week, gah. I miss the weight I was at before winter break. I'm still obese, fuck it. I think I might stay up late tonight anyway, so I might as well take my time doing things. I want to watch a movie and do stupid things on the internet. This post makes me realize I have no life. However, I have three hours on a plane on Friday to figure things out and read. We're going to Irving, Texas which has the world's largest equestrian statue. Exciting, I know.

I'm boring you. Good night.

"I don't know if it's my insecurities, or my paranoia, or my pessimism, or what. But I don't see how we can work past high school. no matter what, I keep ending with you dumping me after we graduate. I don't see how you could want to be with me, when you could have your Columbia boy or whatever. I just don't see it. But I didn't get it. I thought that if we couldn't last forever, what was the point? Why bother? We're fucked. We're going to die. It's all going to be over eventually. It just drove me crazy. So I stopped trying. I didn't get it. Now I get it. One second with you, one moment of being able to look at you and tell you that I love you is worth the heartbreak. Even at my most desperate, I knew that I didn't regret going out with you, I didn't regret anything except for the mistakes I made. So I got it."

I love this boy.
I have nothing else to blog about. Good morning.

"Wonderwall"

Car dealership lights blind me as the drive home sinks in. My favorite regrets are in this car. I'm sitting next to the boy I love but cannot touch. The girl who I've gone in and out of being good friends with is in front of me, holding back tears. Hiding your emotions is overrated. The truth has finally been realized yet none of us can say it. It's said through songs and quotes and missteps that get glares. 45 minutes of silence through unfamiliar darkness. I'm pumping music into my ears and into my veins to keep myself from thinking about it. At the same time, I've realized what's been going through my head since December and what I know now. I know what I don't regret and what I want to remember. He pulls me outside and whispers, "I love you." I mouth back, "I love you, too" because my mouth can't make sound. When I open the car door again it's tense. Tense enough to feel.

"I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now."

I haven't done much today but I feel really chill so that's cool. I have A's in all of the classes that have given grade reports, so that's good. I'm still anxious about my Biology grade, and my Spanish grade should be an A. I just need validation. We watched West Side Story in English and I was reminded how much I love that movie. It's so amazing. I still love it, even if it's a musical and completely dorky. In gym we did absolutely nothing, and afterward I walked with Taylor to Kings Park. We basically just chilled in Hunan West and ate Chinese food and talked. Her mom was there so she gave me a ride home before they went to the basketball game at Braddock.

I just made brownies. They're my best brownies yet, which is good because for some reason I could not grasp the concept. Both times I've made brownies from scratch, they've turned out cakey or too chocolatey. This time, they're almost perfect. I just wish they were a little thicker...and for that I'd just have to double the recipe. I'm thinking about substituting butter in place of the vegetable oil. That might make them even better. I was watching Barefoot Contessa and she made scones, which was cool. I haven't made scones, although I'd like to. Paula Dean is on now, though, and I swear to god there's so much butter in this episode I'm going to puke.

Emilie was at school today, finally. I'll miss her if/when she goes to West Springfield. It'll suck not seeing her every day, or at least almost every day. We're going to Sterling with Hayden tomorrow. I'm not sure what time, but it's definitely going to happen, haha. I miss Alex too! I've noticed that a lot of people think I'm either a sophomore or a junior. I wish. I just think it's funny.

This blog was incredibly boring. Sorry for wasting everyone's life.

Inauguration Day!

I bravely ventured into the District of Columbia today with my dad and three of the Fitzpatricks to see the swearing in of NEW PRESIDENT OBAMA on the National Mall. It was cold, cramped, crowded, and REALLY FREAKING EXCITING. I'll tell my day in pictures...(by the way, I already apologize for the quality of the pictures. I used my cell phone camera.)

The Metro was INSANELY crowded, both the train and the station. I didn't get a picture of the former, but here's Federal Center SW at about 9:15AM this morning:


We came in late so we were by the Washington Monument...


To give you an idea of how close everything was, I was right up on the person in front of me and the person behind me was right up on me as well as people closing in on both sides. I couldn't move my arms.


I took this picture right when Obama started his address:


Everyone was so excited and there was a ton of cheering and "amens". I took this picture right after the address. It's definitely one of my favorites. The sign says "'I have a dream.' Dreams come true."


And of course, my photo whore-ness:


This is a couple hours after the end of the swearing in. We went to the Air & Space Museum for lunch and to get warm.


I had a lot of fun today, even if it was tiring. Every part of my body is sore right now. My dad and I actually got interviewed for the Washington Post so look for that tomorrow. I was also on CNN...even if you can't tell it's me, I'm there! Anyway, I'm tired and don't have much else to say that hasn't already been said, so I'm out! xoxo

I can't sleep. Go figure.

So yesterday I stayed home sick, again. I felt absolutely disgusting all day long and slept for the majority of the day...which means I can't sleep now. Karma's a bitch.

I have practice in an hour and to tell you the truth I'm actually pretty excited. I've always told myself that no matter how hard I tried I'd never be better than Kara. I'm realizing now that I only told myself that I wouldn't be able to beat Kara...and that it's completely possible if I work my freaking butt off every practice. I'm excited for the meet this weekend, even if we suck, because we can get a ballpark range of scores and see what we need to work on the most. I'm also excited to wear the suits, even if my thighs are huge in them. I'll post pictures afterward.

I have to make up a test and three quizzes on Monday, not to mention the English log that I've been putting off. My science fair experimentation starts today...I think. Then I have to write the whole lab report. On the upside, I'm pretty sure I have straight A's. I have a love-hate relationship with school.

I feel like I'm tired all the time now, and if I'm not, I'm completely bugging everyone around me. I guess it's just one of those weeks? I hate feeling like a burden to people, and that's pretty much what I feel like. Note to self: stop being a bitch to everyone...

I'm in English right now, listening to group presentations. It's Steven Lyle's group, which means it is unnecessarily lengthy, complicated, and pretentious.

Anyway.
I was pulled out of orchestra today to go visit the counselor. At the time, I had no idea what was going on. My counselor saw me and told me she had my school planner (which I had lost months ago). Then, she opened it and pointed to the lyric from The Who's "My Generation" that I had copied onto the cover page ("I hope I die before I get old."). She said she was worried about me and asked if anything was wrong. I had the urge to laugh hysterically. Of course, nothing's wrong! I'm fine. I would never even think about committing suicide, especially at this age. I just like the quote, for god's sake! I find the whole situation both funny and extremely embarrassing. It's only the second time I've talked to her, and she thinks I'm suicidal. Oh well.

So far, today's been great (except for the planner thing). We went bowling in gym. I love bowling during gym because it's great just to relax right before school ends. I have a huge test to study for, even though I'm about to go watch Barefoot Contessa. There isn't anything deep I can put on here right now...maybe later? xoxo

I stayed home sick today. I don't feel as disgusting as I did earlier, and I hope I can go to practice tomorrow. That will clear my sinuses right up!

I also felt like I need a "mental holiday"...I've been really stressed recently and I feel like I'll be an all-around better person if I can have one day just to chill out. Last year was a disaster, and so far, so is the beginning of 2009. I almost feel like a loner in school, and that all of my friends are merely acquaintances...I'm doing fine in school, but I feel like school is just that - SCHOOL. I feel like I don't have a social life anymore. I'm not asking to be invited to something every day of my life, but it would be nice to have a group of friends that I did things with again. I miss hanging out with Charlotte every day. Luckily, I'm going to her house for a sleepover on Saturday. We should have a lot of fun (even though Taylor won't be there...I'll miss her). I can't wait. I'm supposed to make cupcakes, although that's a challenge at the moment because we don't have any fresh flour. Anyway, I bought a scale on Wednesday. An accurate one. I was weighing myself in my room (on carpet) and it said that I was lighter than I'd ever been, but when I moved it to hard floors it told me I was almost overweight. I'm more likely to believe the second result, which I hate admitting. It's true and I HAVE to lose weight. It's more of a health thing now. Not to mention I hate the fact that I have no control, at all.

I almost want to go to a boarding school. Just to completely start over. New surroundings, new people, new school...but I can't. I can't leave my family and friends like that...not to mention synchro.

I've been hanging out with Taylor a lot recently. We have a lot of fun together, so it's great to just be with each other, I guess.

Wow, there is one more day of winter break left.

I can't believe it went by so fast and so slowly at the same time. I'd say it went pretty well...minus the gaining 10 pounds part! I'm pretty sure most of it is water weight but you can definitely tell by looking at my face that I've gained weight. It's gotten really puffy and disgusting and I hate it. I keep promising myself I'll be good food-wise before school starts, but it's not working. I eat a lot when I'm bored, which is all the time. There's always so much good food around the house! Not to mention I'm going to Olive Garden with my uncle, aunt, and cousins tomorrow. It's not the best equation for losing weight, but I'll be back on track for sure starting Monday. I can't wait to look skinnier, prettier, etc.

New Year's Eve/Day was so much fun! I went to M's for a sleepover and we partied hard. I love those girls to the max and we always have so much fun together.

I still haven't talked to H. It's a little weird but I'm getting more and more used to it. He and K broke up today. I can't believe that happened...I think he knows that if he were to ask me out again I'd say no. I feel bad, but at the same time I feel like he deserves it. I like T a lot...too bad he's most likely going to be dating another girl by the end of this week. He always tells me he needs a girlfriend and that he's so lonely...I want to scream in his face that I'm right here! I'll be his girlfriend! It seems a little desperate but I really just wish I could shake him and tell him to look at what's right in front of his face. I'm sure if I just wait it out it'll happen, but I'm not sure I want to wait that long.