I haven't blogged in a week, so what the hell.

This weekend was...in a word, amazing. Saturday was, of course, Valentine's Day. After I got home from practice I went straight to work on Hayden's cake. I made him a chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream frosting and the words "Happy <3 Day" on it. I thought it was brownie-esque but everyone else loved it, and that's what matters. I also gave him A Farewell to Arms. I got a rose and a serenade. It was amazing and beautiful. I've missed when our relationship felt this simple and it's finally back. I'm truly happy.

Sunday was a chill day. I didn't do anything except see Thoroughly Modern Millie that night. The production itself was great but the show was lacklaster/racist towards Asians. I had fun though.

Monday I went to Bethesda and hung out with Rosy, Tyler (Rosy's boyfriend), and Wheeler. It was way epic. I don't know how much to write because I don't know who reads this but Rosy almost died because of a hobo and Wheeler ordered a mocha, bitch. (By the way, it's Wheeler's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY WHEELER! This was by force.) I think I'm going back tomorrow and it should be loads of fun. Again.

I ate Turkish food tonight which was a first. What sucks is that I thought I'd be able to go to the Beyond the Call show and Wheeler's birthday thingy but apparently my father changed his mind at the absolute last minute. I really want to go to both, and in my mind it works. If I go to Wheeler's from 1-4 and then the show at 8:20...but I'm forced to choose one. I'd already promised Frank that I'd see them and Hayden/Jessica/Emilie are going to the show, so I picked the show. Then my mom says, "Plan on going to Bethesda, then." WHAT THE FUCK? Whatever. I'll get over it. I made Wheeler birthday cupcakes so he'll be getting those tomorrow.

This blog was so boring. I love everyone, goodnight.

Today has been normal...this entire week has been normal. I'm sleep deprived and feel like I never have time for anything, but other than that it's been fantastic. The meet went well, I guess, and I got bronze splits! I'm so excited to improve them so I can get it again, or even silver splits next meet. Seniors is next month and I'm very excited. Duet did not make finals (we got 13th) but for finishing the routine in a week it was fairly impressive. There's a lot we can improve on and (hopefully) by next month most of the kinks will have been worked out and it will look amazing. Team warm-up was an absolute disaster but the semis swim-through was actually okay. Nitza acted like it was better than it was...but I think that made us more confident for finals the next day. Overall it was a lot of fun and I can't wait for the next meet!

My grandma is still paranoid and demented. She just called. At 9:30. She goes to sleep at 8 usually. And even then, I don't think it's appropriate to call past 8 even if you are family. I'm not sure how much longer my mom can take this.

I'm watching Love Actually with my mom right now. I love that movie and it gets me everytime. I can't stand dieting but I've started again. I have to be a semi-acceptable weight by the spring trip (which is in 39 days). I hate hating how I look. It's much easier to feel pretty and thin.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow! I've gotten half of Hayden's present and I'm getting the other half tomorrow. I'm so excited! I can't wait. I just realized how short these paragraphs are. I'll stop writing now...there might be more to talk about tomorrow? Probably not, but one can hope.

FEBRUARY 8, 2009.

I'm staring out my window onto the horizon. The bright-light dotted pitch-black horizon line that lights up my imagination. The tiny, round dots of civilization 33,000 feet below me. I don't know what it is but the orange-white lights give me hope--hope for the future and hope for me.

Everyone around me is sleeping - probably dreaming of what was or what is the inevitable future. I can't wait for the future. I can't wait for tomorrow. I can't wait to start living. From now on I'm living for today. I've been saying "tomorrow" for too long and I believe it's time to start saying "today".

FEBRUARY 6, 2009.

At the moment I'm on flight 1351 en route to Dallas/Fort Worth, staring into the sun towards river-cut mountains. I'm reading Fitzgerald and listening to Lou Reed. You can call me pretentious but I prefer precocious. I feel tired and half-sick but otherwise happy. There's something about airplane trips that makes me excited for life. When I listen to music I look out the window and pretend I'm in the movies. But mostly I like walking in the airport and watching people. Not in a creepy way, but in an intrigued way, I suppose. I like to wonder where people are going and why. When I see people waiting in the concourse I wonder what they're going to do once they get to their destination. I hope it's for good, happy things and that they'll have fun. It's childish and naive but I love it.

The clouds look flat from this angle. The mountains look like swirly designs on brown paper. I'm not much of a poet but it's beautiful.

I can't believe it's February. February 6, 2009. 1:51PM. Mostly I'm just glad I'm not in gym, watching the minutes tick by and waiting for the bell to ring. The truth is I'm not sure. I'm not particularly sure of anything but the concretes. I know I want perfect grades. I know I want to be successful in synchro I know I want to go to Columbia in 3 1/2 years and I know I want friends. But other than those things, I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am. I can't decide. If you asked me to define myself in 3 words, I couldn't do it. I only know the negatives: loud, obnoxious, and pushy. I hate most of my personality traits but I can't bring myself to change them. I like having philosophical conversations with Hayden and other friends but at the same time I hate them because they make me feel stupid. I don't have anything else to write so I'll just say that "Black Dog" is an incredibly sexy song.

MGMT is trippy at 35,000 feet.

"She thinks my sentimental side should be held with kid's gloves. She doesn't know that I left my urge in the icebox."
"Leif Erikson", Interpol. I love how their lyrics make no sense, yet make all the sense in the world at the same time.

I woke up at 8:30 for some reason this morning. "The Graduate" was watched and a pastry was eaten. I went to Panera with Charlotte, Jessica, Hayden, and Rachel around lunchtime and we walked to Rachel's house and played Apples to Apples. I haven't played that shit in forever and I rediscovered the fact that I SUCK AT THAT GAME. It's still a lot of fun though.

Oh shit, "Last Nite" just came on my shuffle. I have the urge to dance but I might just tap my feet instead? I should be working on an English project. I thought it was due on Monday (aka tomorrow) and then I thought we had the 3 hour early release, which means it would be a purple day. Then I realized it was just a regular Monday and I was fucked. Oh well. I lost some weight yesterday but I don't know if I'll still be at the same weight tomorrow, because I ate a lot today. It makes me feel so confident when I lose weight, though. I still hope I can lose five pounds before Junior Zones. I have a week, gah. I miss the weight I was at before winter break. I'm still obese, fuck it. I think I might stay up late tonight anyway, so I might as well take my time doing things. I want to watch a movie and do stupid things on the internet. This post makes me realize I have no life. However, I have three hours on a plane on Friday to figure things out and read. We're going to Irving, Texas which has the world's largest equestrian statue. Exciting, I know.

I'm boring you. Good night.

"I don't know if it's my insecurities, or my paranoia, or my pessimism, or what. But I don't see how we can work past high school. no matter what, I keep ending with you dumping me after we graduate. I don't see how you could want to be with me, when you could have your Columbia boy or whatever. I just don't see it. But I didn't get it. I thought that if we couldn't last forever, what was the point? Why bother? We're fucked. We're going to die. It's all going to be over eventually. It just drove me crazy. So I stopped trying. I didn't get it. Now I get it. One second with you, one moment of being able to look at you and tell you that I love you is worth the heartbreak. Even at my most desperate, I knew that I didn't regret going out with you, I didn't regret anything except for the mistakes I made. So I got it."

I love this boy.
I have nothing else to blog about. Good morning.